Wtf….

Why am I here again. I ask myself about a million times a day. Yet another attempt on the sober train. I don’t wanna jump off this train but damn it’s been one hell of a damn ride and it’s only been 30 days. Yup I wanted to write that out instead of saying a month. Makes it feel different I guess.

Between the overwhelming anxiety and boredom on a daily basis , the loneliness of it all is getting me the most. I know I know u gotta change your enviroment. Which includes people and places I would normally hang out with or go in my alcohol induced daily routine. That basically leaves me staying at home. That’s all I’ve known and surrounded myself with for the past 25 years of my daily drinking escapades. So yea I’m at the WTF stage of this right now. Like wtf was I thinking, doing or the people I was hanging out with. My sober brain is so fucking confused right now , like wtf is this reality we r doing now.

“not drinking is the easy part of sobriety. Sitting with feelings is the real challenge. That’s where the work is “

SCarY SoBEr

Hello everyone. Its been a minute since I have been on here. Wont go into too much detail but I decided to get sober, well started off as sober curious. To say it has been a battle is a very big understatement.

It all started a few months ago when I realized just how bad I have gotten. Im pretty sure I knew way before that being that I have found a dozen or so self help books , how to stop drinking books etc from months and months ago that obviously were hidden away as soon as I would get one. Nobody wants to be drinking and spot one of those books. Would have really killed my buzz or turn me into a neurotic mess . Go figure.

So here I am now reading all of those books praying every second of every day that I dont drink. Literally every second of every day I have to pray and pray oh and then cry alot just to not drink. Its crazy how much alcohol has truly affected every aspect of my body . The mental part is really fucking with me. I work in a damn bar and have all my life so theres that. But i have noticed I do have some goood moments with it all every now and then which I am sure will become more and more the further I go in this journey.

In all of this so far I have realized that YOU r the only one that can make yourself quit. Not your family not your friends kids, parents, spouses. YOU have got to really want to do this. And I have only just begun. Its been a shitshow inside of my head. Whats the scariest thing is for me anyways is really getting to know myself my true self. It scares the hell outta me.

Fuck this shit…

Ughh sorry for the topic. But geezz I couldnt be more over it sometimes. Between what the world is coming to and just my life all mixed in one. Do u ever just to get a point of fuck it. Fuck my job , my family , my spouse just everything. I am so lucky and blessed for every single thing in my life and I have been also blessed enough to make them feel special go outta my way for some people I shouldnt. I always feel like I am always the one person in my world of things I give a fuck about to actually give a fuck. I sometimes feel like Im just the 3rd person in my life story and Im just letting everyone else run it for me. By things they need or want and my needs and wants or always just overlooked. Im just expected to do the extra that I do for them or things to make them feel special and dont get the same in return . Sorry again for the rant just getting to this age in life where Im just over it and need to start putting myself first I dunno.

Back at it again..

Hello everyone.. back to it again its been a minute. Had alot going on like im sure the rest of you have these days.

OKay well I am going to just jump right into it. Havent been doing alot of what I use to do including writing in this blog. Which in some weird way has been better than therapy for me. Well I will just list off a few.. menopause, broke, kiddo living in hawaii gaining about 30 pounds more gray hair than ever!! looking like a silverback gorilla these days. Lost alot of friends( or so called friends) this past year. Did i mention Im broke. And i am truly surprised I am not single yet with how crazy I have been. Hubby is really not impressed with me these days. And looking back at my typing my punctuation and grammar could use some work.

With all that being said my anxiety is back and stronger than ever. Fuck me. Thats what I say almost every morning I get out of bed. And truly I have so much more to be happy about than complaining about. I am just stuck on the bad stuff right now. I just want to runaway and go for a screaming vacation. I just get a hotel room and scream out all my frustration!! But that would probably end up a worse situation like cops being called or something along those lines. Is this what happens in life when u get older, is this it. Just having to accept and just deal with stuff that comes your way, even though doing that still makes u unhappy. I hate this getting old shit. Its for the birds !!!! But there I ago again just focusing on the worst of my situation. It is a priveledge to grow older. I just havent accepted all that has come with it yet. My body changing son getting older my bitching list could go on forever and forever. So heres my question for anyone reading this blog. Is this it? I dont wanna be that old bitchy lady that everyone avoids. How have any of u guys handled similar situations?

Still got my mojo :)

Afternoon everyone. If you read my blog from yesterday you can tell I was feeling some kind of way. In a good way. It still has followed thru to today. My anxiety is getting better and better again. Its only been a week since my epic peace out from my job but I just feel so much better. Like a load has been taking off my shoulders. I am beginning to realize how toxic that place has been on me and the affects it was having on me. My anxiety was at an all time high constantly there felt great when I was home but as soon as it came time to work it was like my body knew it and just started panicking and anxiety was awful. Like my body was going to war mentally and physically. Just feel like I have a chance to restart myself and getting to find myself all over again. I appreciate anyone that takes the time out to read this. My advice right now at this moment in life not that your asking but here it goes. Take that chance be happy even it scares you. Its out there and knowing yourself and being happy with that and content is the best reward in life !!!!

Another day another view…

Good afternoon all… Well today I wont be boring you with my pity party. Woke up today in just a different mood and mindset. Maybe I didnt make the smartest decision about my job and other decisions. But at the end of the day I just want more outta my life. And I just gotta stay motivated and keep my head up. When I got my anxiety under control and it wasnt controlling my life anymore I just feel like the possibilities are endless. Granted quitting my job has given me back lots of anxiety of course but the more I have time to think and let everything settle in I know deep down I made the right decision. I have one life and I just wanna make something of it. With the way things are going on in the world now makes things so scary and I just want to be able to look back at my life and be good with it all bad and good decisions. My son is moving on in his life doing amazing so proud of him and now its time to focus on myself alittle more and get to know who I really am. Not just a mother, daughter, friend , wife or co worker. I want to know me AARON.. Its pretty scary actually besides trying to be all those things on a daily basis and having extreme anxiety I lost myself in just the day to day living. Granted tomorrow I might be in a different mood or mind frame ( thats what us women are known for Lol) but today Im gonna focus on my positive thoughts and just being me and being good with that.

“Ten years from now, make sure you can say that you CHOSE your life , you didnt SETTLE for it” – mandy hale

WTF have I done…

Morning to all.. Yea the topic of this blog probably still wont be what I intended on it being from the very beginning. If you have read my previous blog so much has changed. Quitting my job relationship struggles and getting older.. Yikes now that I type it out like that maybe that WTF have I done does really seem to fit my life right now.

Well I will first start with saying sorry for anyone that does read my blog in hopes to get some kind of insight or help with their anxiety. I promise to be back to normal. I think.. lol. I am venturing out today to fill out applications and kind of put some normalcy back in my life if thats possible right now. I mean who is going to hire a 42 year old bartender. Talk about my anxiety coming back full force geeezzz. I know I am great at what I do but is it really something I want to continue to do forever??? I obviously quit my job for a reason and I know I have to make $$ just scary starting over I guess. I have to keep motivating myself everyday and stay as positive as I can thats all I can do. But sometimes it is nice to have some outside motivation and a pep talk. Maybe thats why I feel the need to be posting this in hopes of maybe hearing stories of people that maybe have went thru the same thing and have some good advice. I would so appreciate anything right now. Thank you to whomever is taking the time to read this and maybe leave me a comment about what you have been thru as far as struggles and how you made it thru it.

Its been awhile..

Good morning everyone. Geezzz its been so long since I have been on here. Between the holidays my son graduating from the marine corps its been pretty hectic around here .

Well my anxiety is back stronger than ever. Not really sure why. Felt like I had such a hold on it and boom outta no where it hit me like a ton of bricks. Thought i would start this year off in a way different way. Super proud of my son he is doing great in the marines. My job was going ok and my relationship was ok as well. Well that all has changed in the last few weeks. I quit my job outta no where my relationship is on the rocks feel like my life is falling apart and its not even February yet.

Well my job I think was kind of rocky anyways, been there for almost 12 years and I was so fed up with the bullshit. I know thats awful to say in a time like this but I just had my breaking point I lost my shit. I couldnt do it anymore it was literally draining my every second of the day even on my days off I couldnt even enjoy them all i could think about was dammit I gotta go back in there deal with the bullshit and be miserable. Which the more i think about it this has been brewing along time with me. You can only deal with so much until your like fuck it is it worth it at the end of the day.

On to my relationship. Yikes… we have been together for almost 9 years now its been great love him so very much but since my job thing he has been so different to me. Not supportive like I thought he was gonna be. If anything the total opposite. Which really shocks me. I have never not worked and never relied on him or anyone else to pay my way. Dont know if he is concerned about that or what it is. But its been rough around the house this to say the least.

So I guess I picked a hell of a time to go thru a so called mid life crisis. Any advice on going thru something like this?? I know this is off topic for my blog which will back on track tomorrow. Just wanna be happy in everything I do my job, relationships etc. I dont expect perfect of course just want to start living the best way I can and go to bed every night with complete satisfaction in every thing I did that day. For once in my life I feel like I can concentrate on myself and go figure I have no idea on how to do that.

That moment…

Good morning everyone… hope everyone had a great weekend. Well today I am gonna talk about that one big moment in my life when I realized my life wasnt my life at all. That anxiety had officially taken over every aspect in my life. Everything I did or wanted to do I had my anxiety to think about first there was no just going for it and saying f**k it. My anxiety had me living in the biggest dark and lonely cloud.

Well I had my moment outta of no where one day. I was sitting in bed just scrolling thru my facebook and looking at all of my friends living this amazing life. Well it looked like it, they were definetly doing more than I have been. Going to different places, taking pictures with all of their friends taking chances experiencing a life I just think about but never could do it. It made me so sad and yes jealous. I realized I have been doing the same thing for so many years and living thru their adventures and great times but really not doing anything. It was a sad and hurtful awakening for me. Looking at my husband and thinking OMG how does he handle dealing with the way I have been for so long and thinking of all the years I have wasted being held back from doing anything I really wanted to do all because I was living in that anxiety cloud.

So after that moment and many cries later I told myself something has to change. I am getting older my son will be off on his own soon I just wanted to start living my own exciting life. Just wanted to not be held back anymore. I dont know what came over me but I honestly just said f**k it . I just went thru seeing my dad pass away unexpectly , so I then realized life is so short and I have too much to live for. I was gonna kick my anxiety ridden ass to a better life if it killed me.

So there I was looking at going into the grocery store and my typical anxiety would kick in and I just said screw it if I have an anxiety attack in there and I fall to the ground shaking thats whats going to have to happen. I dont care who sees me or what people think. I know that sounds lame just going into the grocery store , but thats how bad I was at in my life with anxiety. Of course it didnt always work that way but I just forced myself ( mind you in my head Im kicking and screaming telling myself not to go in). I had to start somewhere and every week and month kept getting better and better for me.

Point of this story is that you cant let something control your life or hold you back from living it. Whether its anxiety, drugs alcohol etc.. you have to find a way to control your life and not let other things control you no matter what. Its not the easiest thing by no means but it is possible. You only have this one life and one chance to live, so make everything you do count. All you can do is try and keep trying and if you really are things will start looking up for you. Dont ever give up on yourself.

Be brave enough to heal yourself even when it hurts….